You suck.

YOU BET IF IT'S ASPERCREME

2005-08-11T21:11:42Z

I love this ad. Because, the way it's said, it sounds like, "YOU BET YOUR ASS-PERCREME"

Well, anyway.

It's time for me to fill out Internet Quizzes and Tests and splash all that onto my journal. Because, as you must know, it's required by law. Yes. It's all thanks to the HLUAGHALGUAHG act of 2002.

You aren't exactly graceful, but you still are the
Champion of Justice. You have an easy way of making friends, because of
your loyalty, and kindness. Still, you tend to run away from danger,
but when your friends are in trouble they can count on you to save them.

You're responsible, sweet, gentle and lovable! You have a loving heart, a great respect for all creatures (human, great and small), and the ability to see the thing that makes each individual special. However, you tend to overlook the things that make you special, and thus, putting you in a position to be pushed around by others. Take some time everyday to reflect on your qualities, and see that you don't have to please everyone and still be loved for who you are. Which Love Hina Girl Are You?

Hikaru

What Magic Knight Rayearth character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

*points at last one* Baaaaaaaad. She loves fire? Ehhh... I guess.

By the by, I wonder where they got that picture of her from.

What Legendary Magic Knight Are You?

Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.

BITCHING AT THE SPEED OF SOUND

2005-08-07T21:26:55Z

HLAGUAHGALUGHGLUGGLGUAGHGLAUGAGHALGUHG

Me, angry? Oh, no, fuck noooooooo. Anyhoo.

This is quite possibly the last entry in this here janaru. Instead, my legacy will be continued anew... in another journal.

The URL will be posted.

I make myself laugh.

2005-08-07T18:27:05Z

I DONE FORGOT WHAT IN THE FUCK I WAS GOAN SAY!

Anyway. I do very well making fun of the news. Shall we?

Oh, that reminds me. Occasionally, the Pope makes some noise about popular culture, and condemns something, well, popular. We all know he's been all "OMFG HARRY POTTER'S GAY LOL", but did you know he condemned Sailor Moon?

Yes, because it teaches children about the occult. No, it doesn't teach your children how to treat their friends, or that they should fight against evil! Oh, no, fuck no! It's gotta be teh occult!

HEADLINES:

CONGRESS MAY TAKE ACTION AGAINST MLB DRUG USE

Question.

Why in the fuck is this a concern?

It's baseball, folks. It's entertainment. We're fighting a war against guerrila commando motherfuckers, and we're worrying about gay marriage, abortion, and WHETHER OR NOT JOSE CONSECO SHOT STEROIDS INTO THE BASE OF HIS PENIS?! Am I missing something? Is this really a probelm?

What about Global Warming? Fuck that, let's not get into that. If you don't believe in Global Warming, here's a real problem:

What the fuck is this New Daylight Savings shit? Daylight Savings (They say it's "Saving", not "SavingS", but fuck them.) Time is a trick to get people to get up fucking earlier! To give the citizens of the US MORE DAYLIGHT.

What the fuck? This is the dumbest workaround I have ever seen in my goddamn life. You want more daylight? How's about this: On the first of April... you have to get up an hour earlier to go to work. On the first day of November... you get up an hour later.

HOW ABOUT THAT? Don't fuck up the time. The time is already fucked up enough. My watches are all synchronized with the Atomic Clock in Texas. You dig? And they all get different time. Don't make time so fucked up that eventually we won't be wondering whose watch is fifteen minutes late or fast, but, instead, who has the right HOUR?!

Another thing. What the fuck is wrong with gay marriage? Studies show that straight people feel it would threaten straight marriage. WHY?! What the hell? Listen, folks, gay marriage does not mean that everybody has to get married to a gay person! :P

People want to stamp out gay marriage. I don't understand why. Listen: I don't enjoy seeing men kiss each other. In fact, I don't enjoy seeing _women_ kissing each other! (raar jealousy) But I approve of gay marriage, because... it ain't hurtin' nobody. The singular rule of law in America for determining whether someone should have the freedom to do something is as follows:

To determine whether or not an action should be allowed, one must determine the amount of good and bad that the action will do. If the amount of good it will do trumps the amount of bad it will do, you are free to do it.

One thing I have to say, however. Gay people: I know you're feeling downtrodden, and you want to be accepted into society, but, listen. I have only seen one gay couple who kissed in public like straight people kiss. Just a quick kiss. Other gay couples start makin' out in public, getting that tongue action between their mouths. Uh-uh. That turns people off to you. And then, when people go, "Ew, dude!" you get all pissed off. I know you feel you're oppressed, and you are, but, remember: try to display affection in public at the same level straight people do, and you won't run into very many problems.

Basically, what I'm saying is, the majority of the problems you'll run into when you kiss your gay partner like you're trying to suck their face in is the direct result of you acting like you two are in a private room. To a straight couple, many people would gather around and yell:

GET A ROOM YOU TWO

You dig? Dig dug like a motherfucker, I hope.

Later. I'M TURNING THE COMPUTER OFF NOW. Promise.

But Wait!-- There's More!

2005-08-07T17:59:56Z

Can you believe my ex-boyfriend paid Xanga so he could do the following?

COCKSUCKING

HLAUGHAGLUGHGGLUGH

AGAGAGAGAGGG

AND:

REASONS TO SUCK COCK

HLAUGHAGLAUGGHGLUH

I INJECTED EMBALMING FLUID INTO MY VEINS SO THAT I CAN DETECT NEUTRINOS

I BECAME GAY IN A FREAK TRANSPORTER ACCIDENT

I'd tell him how cool LJ is, but... fuck him. :P I'm not handing somebody who fucked with me so much such a neat toy. He is cordially invited to suck my ass. But then again, I believe that would be an honor. Pearls before swine, even.

Light the fuuuuuuuse! For all my homies!

If anybody out there knows what the hell I'm talking about, good for you. Award yourself four Holy Brownie points. Whoever has the most points after ten years will receive two nice piles of shit.

Oh, by the way: I'd just like to tell someone that my body gets rid of skin far, far too fast. After one particularly sweaty night on the computer, I actually have to peel dead skin off of the mouse. Apparently, my middle finger never really leaves the right mouse button, and just rests there, and sweats, and sweats, and dead skin piles up. Gross? Eh. Considering it's decaying material, yes. But I enjoy it, simply because of how rarely I see dead skin.

That and I feel as though I've accomplished something. "Holy shit, honey! Look! It's the biggest pile of dead skin I've ever seen!"

In other news, I've been trying to get a website, but, unfortunately, no dice. I am, however, ever-writing the material for it, and when it finally goes live about two years from now, (I'm guessing,) there will be such a huge amount of content that, though I will update rather frequently, it's not as though I'll have to. It'll be like publishing a book.

Anyway, nappz0r, then f00dz0r, then napz0r. Then: HLUAGAHLGUGHLGUGHLUGGLGUHGLUGUGAHLGUGHGLUH

Bitches, I'm back!

2005-08-07T17:36:08Z

HEY NOW!

I feel a renewed energy, a renewed vitality, throbbing, PULSATING EVEN, WITHIN MY BOSOM! No summer cold can dull this burning heart! No congestion can derail my train of thought, nor can the snow of befuddlement slow it down! I'm back, bitches!

But what does this being back, bitches, entail? Well, a renewed vitality! Clean out your fuckin' ears, kid!

But seriously. It means that I cannot be stopped; nay, I have a new outlook on life!

And it's all thanks to washing my ass. Yes! If you feel depressed, down, downtrodden, sick or sad, brush your teeth, wash your ass, and put some new clothes on, and behold! You feel like new!

I, in fact, feel as though I'm being traded amongst grubby 30-year-old Trekkies living in their parents' basements, still in my box, being worshipped as some sort of new cult God! Nay, a new God!

And this new God needs her freakin' rest. I'll be postin' again after a short rendezvous wif mein puffenbedden.

STFU PLZ K THX

2005-08-07T13:42:01Z

All right. Axe to grind.

Def Poetry Jam.

Would you people just shut the fuck up? Please? I'll give you a dollar if you cancel the show.

The show has a good side to it; giving voice to the voiceless in mass-media form. Unfortunately, Def Poetry is simply Rap without a beat. And I don't like rap if it doesn't have a beat.

Hell, I don't like rap if the motherfuckers don't learn to shut up, and quick.

So, people are going on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about their problems, using vague metaphors, insipid similes and acting as though what they're saying really matters. Folks, if you have a thought that needs to be rhymed to be expressed, write it down, lock it up and never let it out. I don't want to hear it.

Unless it's got a beat.

ALSO: History. Question: Why can no one get history correct? As I don't trust my old schoolbooks for history, (as the history books are, quite literally, just bound propaganda from the State) and the only place I can get my history right now is from word of mouth, that being through friends or people on TV, I, though infrequently, get history wrong, because nobody can get history right.

For instance: Bill Maher said that LBJ got the US into Vietnam. Unfortunately, that's so grossly wrong that I think Bill deserves a smack in the head for it. Now that I think of it, I don't enjoy Bill Maher that much anyway. He said that pilots who bombed our enemies after 9/11 were cowards, because they bombed them instead of fighting them hand to hand on the ground.

The problem with that is that Bill has no idea of war. Nor do I-- but at least I have some indirect experience. In war, the object is to win. Fair fighting is for idiots.

"If you've gotta fight... fight dirty!" - Sonny Chiba Street Fighter series, 1990-1993

HEALTH REPORT

2005-08-07T08:24:33Z

I have a temperature of 100 degrees Fahrenheit. God damn it. I hate getting sick.

Oh well. At least I'll be tired enough to sleep now.

IN HEADLINES TONIGHT...

2005-08-05T23:45:38Z

THE JAPANESE GATHER TOGETHER AT HIROSHIMA MEMORIAL TO BITCH IN STEREO

I never understood why the hell the Japanese are so pissed about the nuclear bombs. Listen, folks, you joined the Nazis. You ate Allied POWs. (American POWs for sure) You tried to destroy us... and killed a whole lotta buncha people at Pearl Harbor. Fuck you.

If you're pissed about Hiroshima, you apparently forgot that we gave the Japanese a full week warning before the bomb was dropped. AND: The bomb wasn't dropped directly on Hiroshima, but detonated above it. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck you, Japan. If you got caught in that blast, you either had terrible luck, bad planning, or just didn't read the goddamn pamphlets we dropped.

The Japanese are exactly like the Egyptians. They had a God King, they loved that old time religion capital punishment, (HURR HURR CRUCIFIXION) and they deny every single bad thing they've ever done. I remember hearing from a REALLY radical Japanese person that Pearl Harbor was fabricated.

Then I heard it from 20 more Japanese people.

Rape of Nanking? What rape? Where's this Nanking? I don't know of no Nanking! I saw nuthink! NUTHINK!!!

Brad and Jen

2005-08-05T02:04:30Z

I am referring to, of course, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, as anybody who's ever read the news in the last two years will probably know.

Question.

Why the fuck am I supposed to care that Brad Pitt, a great actor, not to mention very good-looking, and Jennifer Aniston, somebody I really can't stand, were even together... and then they broke up? Folks, if my breakups aren't news, their breakups aren't news. News is classified, at least, to me, as the explanation of complicated happenings in the world that affect negatively or positively the lives of some human being living in this world. NATIONWIDE DROUGHT -- Affects the lives of the country, and the economy, as well, as we have to import food. NUCLEAR POWER PLANT MELTS DOWN -- renders an area inhabitable for quite a span of time, ruining the lives, and, more than likely, the health and happiness of its nearby residents.

BRAD AND JEN STOP FUCKING -- Affects the lives of two people. It's a personal matter. There are a trillion (most likely more) such issues amongst the entire populace of the Earth. How is and ever, my good chums, the only thing that this affects is how these people act on TV, Film, and possibly in music. It's entertainment news. And it doesn't belong right next to news such as MAN RAPES WOMAN IN COMA, or LONDON GETS BOMBED SOME MORE.

That reminds me. Why the hell did Spain wimp out and do what the terrorists wanted? I for one am not a fan of Bush's propaganda,his slogan being, "If you don't do / do do (blank) then the terrorists have won!" But, the fact of the matter is, if you listen to the terrorists, you're letting them rule you. And Spain did so-- changing their form of government to avoid getting bombed. Fucking wimps!

And I'm not talking about the residents of Spain, oh no, fuck no. I'm talking about the elected (are they even? I know nothing of Spain's form of election) officials who wussed out and bent over for these Al Qaeda motherfuckers.

And the dumbest thing is: the terrorists bombed Spain... RIGHT AFTERWARDS. Why? WHY? Because these guys are assholes. Another theory is that the terrorist cells are not in direct coordination with one center, and while that may be indirectly true, the fact is, they all have the same goal: kill people they don't like. And if someone was to go against this rule, and kill someone that they do like, (Like Spain,) I would think the offending bombers would be disciplined.

That reminds me. Remember the Mossad? Those really crazy dudes? Question. If the Mossad can get a Nazi official out of Nazi Germany at the height of the war... Why the FUCK can't we hire these guys to capture Bin Laden and that crazy asshole in Iraq? Al-Zawqari, I believe his name is...

Because, hey, when you want to win, call the Israelis. They made the Desert Eagle .45, they won a war where they were outnumbered, and outgunned.

And their leader is fucking nuts.

What more could you want?

Ich bin outenliben...

2005-08-05T00:24:44Z

I have a clip of Sailor Moon speaking in German. It's from the German version of Sailor Moon, of course. Her lips match the words. It's downright freaky.

All right, time for the news:

Jimi Hendrix pretended to be cuckoo for cocks (that's gay, see) in order to escape the US Army. (Funny, that was my plan, too, if I ever got drafted!)
A man repeatedly put his wife into a coma, and choked her for sexual pleasure!
Nude man arrested while searching for Forrest Gump's house!
Apple starts iTunes store in Japan! (I'ma go. They probably have Awe of She there, and some gonzo anime music. Maybe Devil Hunter Yohko?

However, this is all rather unconsequential news that happens everyday. Got any really big news?

TOP STORY: ROBERT NOVAK, A.K.A. DOUCHEBAG FOR FREEDOM, WALKS OFF THE SET OF HIS CNN SHOW AFTER SWEARING ON LIVE TELEVISION.

Sure, he only said "Bullshit", but he lost his cool. Go James Carville! You may look like a Herr Skull-For-A-Head from Supermegatopia, but you're doing good! Instead of evil! If what Herr Skull-For-A-Head is truly doing evil. Wasn't his only crime having kinky whoopee with the nazi women under his command and dumping a boatload of hamsters upon the capital? Sounds more like a superhero to me.

Anyway, I cut every strand of hair off my head. Yes, I'm bald. My hair-cutting equipment fucked up, therefore I had to cut it all off.

Sigh. I'll be back later.

NEWSFLASH

2005-08-04T02:06:05Z

MICROSOFT AND APPLE SUCK IN UNISON; NO ONE IS SURPRISED

I dig Mac for two reason: Visual perfection(handles graphics and movies superbly,) and a great interface for Americans to use Japanese.

Mac has a simple English to Japanese interface: Type the two (or three) letters that spell the character you want to write, and, poof, it transforms into that character.

Microsoft has taken the novel approach of apparently just porting the Japanese keyboard to America. Q gives me a Ta, W gives me an I or something... fucked up.

Now I have to put tiny little stickers on the keys.

God damn you, Microsoft.

I'm awake, I'm awake!

2005-08-04T00:30:00Z

Living la vida vampira. Sleeping in the day is for humans.

Speaking of acting like a vampire, my ultra-sharp bottom right eyetooth will soon be moving forward. I will finally be losing the baby tooth that's been stuck in front of it for a few hundred years. Yay! ^_^

More great news. Losing weight at quite a clip here! My body is quickly becoming more toned, and my stomach is going down. So far, I've lost... 14 pounds. In four weeks, about. I think that's particularly good. The percentage of weight lost per week will soon change, though, as I'm being rather serious this week.

Wait, no, I cheated this week. Um... at least I'm exercising, ne?

I've been thinking about Spongebob's Krabby Patty. Other than the fact that the Krusty Krab is one K off of a hate group, (a coincidence, and I'm sure it's something that probably bugs the creator due to the fact that it just happened (being serious), and wasn't planned,) I recognize one thing: Crab meat mashed into hamburger patties would taste delicious.

Also, Mr. Krabs is selling his own brethren as food. Possibly. Either that or the Krabby Patty is just a nickname and it's not made of "krab" at all.

Most often I wonder what the Krabby Patty is made out of. What it would taste like. Mostly I think of seafood-tasting meat and my local burger joint's secret sauce. That reminds me... am I the only one that's noticed that secret sauces (they're mayonnaise / miracle whip, ketchup, and mustard slapped together, by the way,) smell unnervingly like unwashed sweaty crotch? And yet they smell and taste delicious.

The sauces, I mean.

Pervs.

Oh, by the way: since I'm just about to do my exercises, I'll tell you something about them. I've sculpted my body without the help of Bowflex. I've used two ten pound weights, two twenty pound weights, and I've done push-ups and situps. And not the military style pushups, no, the kind of pushups where you rest on your knees instead of your feet. If you weigh as much as I do, push-ups are seriously the best thing you can do.

Anyway, later, I'm going to post this before the power goes off.

RANDS IS THINKING ABOUT DICK

2005-08-03T14:04:13Z

I wandered over to Yahoo.com today, and I see this headline:

BRAIN-DEAD WOMAN IN VA. GIVES BIRTH

Ah, fuck me. This shit again.

Yes, folks, we (once again) run into a conundrum. THE BITCH IS BRAINDEAD! WHAT WE GOAN DO?! Uh... do we give her an abortion? How the fuck should I know? Wait, wait, who's gonna take care of the kid?

Man 1: I think we should give the baby to the wolves.
Man 2: *bleep* is you crazy?!
Man 1: Worked wonders for Romulus and Remus.
Man 2: Didn't Remus kill Romulus?
Man 1: Hey, man, I ain't no expert in Star Trek, don't be askin' me that shit.
Man 2: ... *BANG*

In any case, this brain-dead lady has given teh birth. I know the shit's gonna hit the fan-- the only thing in the news is shit hitting the fan! Even the things they show on slow newsdays eventually hit the fan!

Remember the kitten with two faces?

Remember how it died?

Remember?

Nothing good happening in the news. The news is basically a giant, choreographed clusterfuck in which the entire human race in a particular sector of Earth gathers aroudn what they perceive to be a problem (and which is actually none of their business) and meddle. Oh, not in the good, Scooby Doo, breaking-and-entering-and-stealing-shit sort of way, either. No, that bad type of meddle, that makes us hate our in-laws. And Satan. But I digress!

Remember Terri Schiavo? Remember how many times you mispronounced her last goddamn name? Remember? Well, as you may well remember, it was just a giant custody battle between a husband and his wife's parents / family. It was, at best, a troubling legal conundrum that was quickly (though ineffectively and unsatisfactorially) solved by saying, "She don't got no livin' will, she up shit creek."

How is and ever, my good friends, a giant political war, though brief, was waged over a single woman. Does this not sound like Helen of Troy, save for sex appeal? And lack of any sex at all? Unless you're weird, in which case I'd prefer not to travel down that road.

The war was this: "Hey, we're big and powerful! We create the laws which govern our people yet do not govern ourselves. So, while we're creating outlandish laws to reduce the liberty and freedom of our people, why don't we start reducing their freedom of, say, living?" And so, the politicians took it upon themselves to legislate life and death.

I can see that a lot of bad things are about to happen. With the appointment of Bolton (I have this odd sense that his first name is Michael. Is it?) to the UN, and the nomination of that Supreme Justice dude, I see two things happening:

1.) Bolton pisses off everybody around the world. He travels about the globe not unlike Russel Crowe in South Park, and ends up punching Chirac in the face. Chirac then rips his heart out Indiana-Jones-Shaman-style, and World War Five: Electric Boogaloo begins.

2.) Supreme Justice Dude casts the tie-breaking votes to make illegal abortion. Also, perhaps pornography, free speech, (what little there is left of it,) suffrage (raar!), and condoms. Also, perhaps a mandatory Government-decided religion?

That reminds me. Did anybody else see George W. Bush on TV after the first set of London Bombings? Chirac, President of France, stood there with his hands clasped in front of him, perfectly still, staring off camera at a fixed point. Occasionally, he smiled, and appeared to be enjoying himself quite thoroughly in his head.

Dubya, on the other hand, stood like a G.I. Joe action figure, looking from side to side every five seconds as though he was paranoid from all that coke he's been snorting.

Here's a secret: Chirac... has served in the army. The army teaches you many things, one of them being how to stand on parade. Simply stand still, get into a comfortable, yet professional, looking position, stare into space, and think about something that makes you happy.

By the way Chirac was smiling, I have a feeling he was thinking about sex. Why do I get that feeling?

Hey, I know I get a big sile when I think about it, too, and it hits me just like it hit him... :P

Oh! News for you. Japan rocks. Though I've always been a bit anti-Japan, (TENTACLE RAPE, RAPE, ETC, RAPE, ETC) they are really very advanced technologically. For one thing, they've figured out how to determine what card you're using without you telling them. All they need is the number. I visited a few download sites, (such as moecon.com, and digiket.com, dlsite.com, doujin-club.com) and the two I actually bought from (Moecon.com and Digiket.com) were very, very simple to use, even though I can read only a very limited amount of Japanese. I know the word for Name, I know the word for Credit Card (but not number,) and I know the word for Telephone, (but not very well,) so I had to use babelfish.altavista.com for translations of the fields I had to fill in, (just to make sure,) but, after I did that, I got my download, and I was off on my little merry way.

They ask you, usually, for four things. Name, Credit Card Number, Telephone Number, and Email Address. (Mail Address.) Go on, order now! It's fun and easy. And Yen to Dollar conversion is so ridiculously cheap, I paid $8.52 for two DVDs. (CG Set DVDs.)

Um, what else? Oh, yes-- Dizzy-chan rocks. Go to http://www.geocities.jp/racco_rk9, and go scope out the products. I bought both. They rule. Buy 'em buy 'em buy 'em buy 'em!

I think that's about it. I might have a background in here later. Oyasumi, this little Gear's going to bed.